Over the weekend I gave a talk before a total of 19 couples who attended two separate batches of the Marriage Enrichment Retreat (MER) 1 of our Catholic community Couples for Christ (CFC), which will be celebrating its 30th year in the UAE this Saturday, November 26. I shared about ‘Effective Communication in Marriage’ on November 19. Next day, my wife and I presented the roles of a ‘Christian Husband and Wife’.
Modestly aside, we speak with authority as we are married for 26 years, without any major fight, be it hysterical or physical. We said that disagreements are normal in a marriage as both husband and wife come from a different upbringing and environment. What’s important is both support and complement each other’s role – the husband as the head of the family and the wife as the husband’s helpmate, definitely not helper.
By the way, we are blessed that we are both professional communicators, Elle being a broadcast journalist and me being a public relations practitioner.
Elle emphasized to the wives that they should support their husbands’ dreams and aspirations and not be a stumbling block because the husband might one day express his regrets and hurt and there is no more time for a reboot.
Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent several years taking care of dying patients, recorded her conversations and wrote the book ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying’. The number one regret is ‘I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me’.
Ware explained: “This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”
In March 2018, my International Speech in our Tristar Toastmasters Club contest was about ‘Getting Hitched But Never Switch’ related to a proposed Divorce bill filed in the Philippine House of Representatives. I won 1st runner-up. These are excerpts of my speech:
“Before getting hitched a man and a woman prepare themselves for their lifetime relationship. I’m sure all those married here even our dear judges have prepared themselves before getting married. Here in the UAE we have a session at St. Mary’s and St. Francis as well as all other Catholic churches called Marriage Preparation Course or MPC.
I used to be a resource speaker of the MPC for three years. I want to share these tips with all of you:
• Be willing to become a dumping ground of your spouse. They say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. When you ask your wife how was your day she will go like this…when I left the building I saw blah blah blah then while driving along Sheikh Zayed Road there was an accident blah blah blah. Once I reached the office my colleague blah blah blah. And she will finally say my day was Okay.
How about you? I answer: well it was Okay.
So listen always to your wife’s story. Women love to share their daily activities even when you want to go to sleep already. Listening skills improve marital relationship.
• Stick with the main issue and only handle one issue at a time. When you have a small discussion on cooking then concentrate if you want it spicy or sweet and sour. Do not deviate to other topics like doing the laundry or cleaning the house. Do not let a small issue become a big argument. One at a time.
• Listen and do not interrupt and lose your temper. You see when one is raising his or her voice and you remain calm and compose you will not get tired. But if you yell back and answer endlessly there might be flying saucers.
Don’t say I can’t take it anymore, I don’t want to talk about it and I’m leaving.
When you say I can’t take it anymore then you give up.
When you say I don’t want to talk about it then when will you ever talk about it.
When you say I’m leaving then where will you go?
Patience is the most important skill you need to develop if you wish to get things done. And this helps you save your marriage. I also advise the participants to stick with these beautiful words: I promise not to hurt you. I love you just the way you are. Whatever it takes.
My wife and I are celebrating our 22 years of happy marriage this coming May 18. One of the things that our officiating priest had advised us is ‘Never to go to bed with a fight’. So we fight – small arguments only – in the morning till late at night but just before going to bed I tell my wife I’m sorry, forgive me – I kiss her good night, we embrace and then we go to sleep. Next morning, we continue life very fresh and sweet.
Take note what if the couple slept without resolving the issue and one of them never woke up the next day. Pride or ego should not take over your marriage.
So dear Toastmasters and guests: Marriage is a commitment. You prepared for it before getting into it. It is a lifelong association. It is a lifetime vocation. Remember you get hitched but never switch.”
Another important tip shared by Elle was about knowing the prayer intentions of each other, including the children. It’s very crucial to be aware of the plans and concerns of every one so that support can be extended. There will be no peace at home if the husband and wife have different directions. As a couple they should have one goal and one vision.